I'll try and get these posted in the order I wrote them .... some are tragic, some are silly, some are whimsey but, they all were written over a course of time that was very transitional for me. Writing was good medicine for me during this time of self discovery. They span a marriage that ended, being on my own, an affair, moving out of state and back, wondering about love, heartbreak, having hope and faith, settling down and marriage again, being a Step-Mom, music, chickens all the way up to the death of my Mom in 2012. Looking over my writing, I've realized there's a lot I have written that may not have been posted yet ....if I decide to post these, I'll insert them according to when they were written, so that the timeline is maintained. In some of my writings I speak of God. My beliefs are complex and open. I believe in a Divine Creator, a Great Spirit, a Universal Consciousness, a Divine fabric that runs through everything and everyone. I'm speaking for myself, not trying to impose my beliefs on you, nor am I debating it. Please be respectful if commenting or your comments will be deleted. Thanks for your time and/ or interest. M.
9-21-13 ...... up till 5am transferring old blogs .... re-reading them, I must admit, my eyes were a little leaky ! .... So much has changed in my life since those days .... I'm about half way done moving blogs .... will move more later tonight probably .... stay tuned ! :)
9-22-13 ..... Happy Fall Ya'll !!! moving some more blogs over ...
9-23-13 ....some more blogs added ....
Jan
13, 2008
One of mine..... I have a lot to put on computer - just haven't gotten to it for one reason or another.. ;) I am still working on the long story I've mentioned before, but in the mean time , I have started writing another short story. I will probably get that on here before the llloooonnnngggg one!!!
Lots
has happen since I've been home, much of which I will probably
summarize at some point and stick on here.
I
have had someone reading my blog and reading a lot of their own
issues into my words. I feel that I must start putting a disclaimer
on my blogs from now on....... It goes something like this.......
EVERYTHING
WRITTEN HERE MUST BE CONSIDERED FICTION...... I write and ponder
things REAL and IMAGINARY...... I vent, I reflect, I wonder, I
fantasize, I debate with myself, I just write...... Good, bad or
ugly...... Somethings have been written for people
special to me - they know who they are and I will continue to share
things with them. They know whats real and whats about them.
For
those of you, delusional - get a life - you are wasting your time
keeping up with me for over a year....I'm not who you need to be
following and stalking......
I'm
very grounded in reality, have a much more balanced and happier life
than what it may sound like here sometimes..... and most of all - MY
TRUE LIFE IS PRIVATE..... AND NEVER ENDS UP HERE...... feelings
and ponderings are fair game - real details about people in my life
(read lovers and family) are not.... and won't be blogged about....
any questions? message me..... M.
..now
for the poem .....
True
Poetry
True
poetry transcends gender, race, age – it is timeless.
It
whispers to your soul, magic you've already forgotten.
It
draws drops of salt from your eyes as it squeezes your heart.
It
envelopes the pain, the sadness, the joy or the bliss and sings out.
It
can melt the hardness of your heart or …
It
can lay another brick in your wall already thick.
It
can whisk you away to a wispy place or…
It
can crush you to dust 'neath its velvety fist of rust.
But
no matter its note – its lyric is true…
To
those wounded, that hear it and understand its witness' tune.
M.
1-13-08
Well,
I'm sick with a cold this week end and laying on couch watching TV
.... seen more TV in the last 2 days than I have the last
month..... So, I'm watching "Madea's Family Reunion" and
Maya Angelou recited this poem ..... I was very touched and wanted
to put on my blog here..... hope you enjoy it ........M.
In
and Out of Time
by
Dr. Maya Angelou
The
sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the
distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to
have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and
out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing
sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I
had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your
hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I
reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God
how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by
circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to
the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our
nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has
gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always
yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other
in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.
Dec
4, 2007
......This
Place
Train,
train in day light for me now - you rumble
Pigeons
through the air above - you tumble
Sun
shining on my face....
Yes,
I'm back........ Here at this place.
Again
behind the chain link and razor wire...
Smoking
my clove - toking its fire...
Looking
for my secret falcon, searching the sky...
Not
yet seen, I wonder why...
Concrete
canyons surround me...
Yet
sun on the grass I see...
....Even
here amongst the wild grass - a single yellow aster blooms...
Shining
like a star - making my heart beat faster...
I
watch gamey prison cats slink by...
I
know much happens here - invisible to the naked eye...
The
stories the stone could tell...
....Some
of the authors now in hell...
Others
here just passin' through...
Whether
it's called home or just a job - who knew...
Who
knew - any of us would meet here...
Where
from behind locked gates we both peer...
For
some, the prison gates allow for daily escapes...
...With
a contract to return - make no mistake...
For
others, this is now home -
Their
contract binds them never to roam...
A
mysterious mix of freedom and captivity...
The
bound and the binder dance together in synchronicity...
Those
free - who willingly submit to control...
Those
convicted - listen for the bell to toll...
...As
the circle each travels -
Overlaps
the other and never unravels...
Different
sides of the same coin - spent together...
Symbiosis
- with a lease, not fated for forever...
Aware
of myself here - I ponder my role...
I
travel warily into this energetic black hole...
Some
blend of - light bearer, sage, healer or just keeper...
This
mistress of light - shares space with the grim reaper...
Our
own dance - gingerly stepped...
Acutely
aware - distance respectively kept....
This
place held in space -
A
microcosms tumbling through the race...
Everything
is balanced -
From
new birthed kittens to a convict's death - it happens in alliance...
Just
a swirl in the Great Cosmic River....
Life -
the miracle - happens.... never ceasing to give me a quiver....
12-2-07
M.
Nov
26, 2007
Well....
I'm cooking supper and trying to blog - so, here goes.....
Unexpectedly had the week-end off due to an injury at work .... I'm
Ok... Not due to an inmate but just a weird accident involving a
door - it mashed my hand. It still hurts some but the swelling has
gone down... I didn't realize how it would make my entire arm kinda
sore though....
Anyway
- got a house rented today, I think I've worn out my welcome at my
ex's!! He's been kind and understanding for the most part, but I
know I was having a negative effect on his social life.... I should
be out by the week end... It will be good to have my own space
again.... I will have enough room to set up some healing areas -
which will make me happy.... closer to town but still country....
Thanksgiving
was great - Miss Mona cooked way too much food - that we all
enjoyed and ate way too much of..... It's been good to be home....
Looking
back at the last month or two.... A lot has happened... Much
has been learned, even more has been pondered..... Many things
sacrificed - including the magic I believed may have been there
between that kind young man and myself..... I know now - that door
is closed.... I find myself wondering why about several
things .... I remember a chance meeting 4 years ago that
forever has changed my life.... I wonder why.... My life learning -
good and bad the last 4 years goes directly back to that one
chance meeting....... The memories, the feelings - everything - I
wonder why - what does it lead to - WHO does it lead to? Sometimes I
sense another's nearness..... But who I wonder is it really? and why
only on the ethereal plane? I know one who comes to me sometimes
- he is a great comfort... sometimes when I'm sad, sick or once
or twice when I have been in danger he was there....... I wonder why
it's not been in this plane of existence - why can't it be REAL???
WHY???? I just don't understand..... I look for that one that
comes near every where I go.... He knows where I am.... But I don't
know exactly where
he is.... Maybe I'm not suppose to.... I try to get this fantasy out
of my head, but never seem to get it out of my heart.... I try to
put it away neatly in some notion and tell myself it will
never be real so I can move forward and 'get over it' but I
never can.... It doesn't matter who I'm with on this plane - I've
never known what I miss with him.... That
scares the shit out of me.... If it never becomes real what will I
do? Will I ever find that kinda love again? How can I
remember and feel such deep emotions and yet have no way of sharing
them on this plane directly other than just ethereally??? Another
big - I don't know..... I just don't know...... I just do the best I
can every day and wonder and hope..... I hope..... Maybe one day
I'll have some answers.... Maybe one day I'll know..... Maybe one
day it will be real... Till then I'll just go on... a
lone......Yeah - I know - I went way out on that limb - but - what
do you expect from an owl? .......In Peace and Love M.
....
THANKSGIVING.....
A quick note ..... often times holidays roll
around and it maybe when we are having hard times for one reason or
another in our life... Perhaps it's a memory of the past that haunts
us or perhaps someone's not with you this year that's important to
you, perhaps you're having difficulties in a job or a relationship or
with a person that's important to you....
Whatever it is, as
cliche as it may seem to say - It really could be worse ..... and
that may offer up very little comfort.... But just for a moment -
step outside yourself - there are others in much worse
circumstances..... I don't have everything I want - but I have
everything I need ... and most days I'm wise enough to know
that.....
If this is a rough time.... I would like to
invite you to try and think of something you are thankful for.... no
matter how small.... open your heart - just a bit and allow that to
be there.....I suspect before long you may realize you have more than
you know to be thankful for.... Heck - if nothing else imagine how
your situation could be worse and be thankful it's NOT !!!!
I'm
not usually all about getting up at 5am and going to work..... but
this morning the sky was clear and the stars twinkled and shined as I
hadn't seen them in a while.....I could see soooo many of them!! -
It was so beautiful - I even saw a shooting star...... what a
fabulous gift of the Divine....
I'm ever humbled and in awe of
nature and it's Creator ...... I'm truly thankful for the many
blessings I have ..... I have to sometimes remind myself of that too
- especially when I start feeling sorry for myself and thinking about
what I don't have.....
I hope all you have a blessed holiday -
and you find whatever you need to - to remember what you're
thankful for...... the stars did it for me this morning....
In
Peace and Love M.
Nov
19, 2007
People
frustrate me - people I know - people I want to know - people I
don't know - people who drive down the road....
From my
perspective I see these people as half living - not fully living the
life they could and I believe most of them want to live a whole
life.... I see people stay in unhealthy relationships - unwilling or
afraid to change... some conscious of the dysfunction - some still
blind to it.
There
are also those that out right choose to be unhappy - to be and stay
'broken' - to live a tragically sad life... they need something ....
more than they want to be happy.... I see others that want a
happy life with a mate... but yet when it comes to making it 'real'
- they can never seem to reach out and grab it... Probably for many
reasons....... I also think as a result of wanting but not being
able to acquire this relationship or mate or 'happy' life - a lot of
people, especially men - make up a fantasy world that meets their
needs without the dangers or constraints associated with the real
world - such as - being in a new love when you may already be in a
committed relationship you have no intention of leaving or
rejection, being hurt or having your heart broke - or even the
chance you won't find what your heart and soul longs and aches
for.......
From
my perspective - and this is the part that I don't understand.... it
seems these people have little or no courage - no faith - no
hope..... I'm not the bravest soul on the planet - far from it. Like
- I will never willingly jump out of a perfectly good airplane or
swim with sharks just because I can..... But no one will ever accuse
me of holding back from living.... This includes love and the
pursuit of being in a happy relationship with my mate.... God knows
I have tried and failed a few times with that one!!! .....But
I still have hope, faith and the courage to keep trying.... I
believe I will find my true love - my soul mate.... Am I afraid of
being hurt, rejected or having my heart broken???? Oh yeah!! Already
happen....
Someone
said "Bravery is not the absence of fear .... It's being afraid
and doing it anyway ...." I was afraid to drive that dang
U-Haul home towing my jeep - then did it in the snow, sleet and
freezing rain.... But I did it anyway - I made it - I did it!!!!!
I
... just see people 'settle' for less than their dreams and it makes
me SAD - they are not true to themselves - to their HEART - I
try to live every day true to myself..... Ready to tie my hat
on and jump gully's - walk a tight rope without a net -
**Take a leap of FAITH** - Believe..... I Believe.... I still
believe...... peace and love - M.
Your
vision will become clear only when you look into your heart ... Who
looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. - Carl Jung
There
are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a
miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.
The
most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the
source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a
stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe,
is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
- Albert
Einstein
.......
A lone Owl
Sitting outside tonight - chilly, below a hazy, waxing moon... It's wonderful to hear the crickets, a deer shuffle through the leaves on the ridge behind the pond... a whip-poor-will's lyric... not a man made light in sight.... a distance car..... perhaps climbing Wilkerson's Hill...... dogs moanfully howling..... the sweetness.... a lone owl's soft hoot..... I know too well...... way too well..... M.
v
16, 2007
Part
2 .... The Drive Home
Well,
it got cold in KY Wed. night ..... Slept ok, got up at 7:30am and
started packing what was left into jeep for ride home - TV, air
mattress, toothbrush - that stuff... got it all loaded - bid
farewell to room mates and went to U-Haul place. Waited a few
minutes on the guy there, and noticed something falling - it was
SNOW .... I thought holy crap batman I have got to get on the
road!!! NOW !!!!! The snow ceased as he hitched trailer and I
drove jeep onto trailer.... while he was securing it I went next
door to a store to secure provisions of a bag of pig skins, a bag of
cheetos, a bag or ranch Doritos, 2 cokes, 1 sprite, 1 H2O, a Little
Debbie snack cake and was ready to take off !!!! Officially time of
leaving was 9:15 am. I had 3/4 tank of gas and headed out..... I
would be lying like a rug if I said I was not anxious..... It
occurred to me that I had never driven anything like a moving van
(14') or ever towed anything bigger than a lawn mower..... So, I
said to myself - You are in it now girl - drive - drive carefully!!!
Anyone who knows me, knows that the 'ol girl will drive fast -
carefully, but fast..... You are the ones that will appreciate it
when I say I WAS slower and very careful!!! So, I'm riding along
getting use to the feel of it, started to sing a song then had to
quit because with no background music - I can't stand my no tune
self !! LOL ...But didn't mind talking to myself on and off the rest
of the way home.... Believe me - I had too!!! About 60 miles into
trip I decided to stop and top off the gas, then started back.
Everything was going along smoothly, got to WV, doing well.... then
I noticed something falling out of the sky ...... it was snow
AGAIN.... remember I had fussed about rain?! Well there ya go,
that'll teach me not to bitch about things - because they can get
worse!!! And they did!! At first it was pretty.... was not
sticking..... Just "pritty"..... But then I realized it
was covering the grass and the bushes.... I started talking to
myself...... I was like not only do I get to learn how to drive this
rig, I get to do it in snow!!! Yeppers, that's my luck..... Ok, so
be it.... just keep moving, get out of the mts., and it'll get
better..... Be careful..... Well, I watched as it became frozen
pellets, and whitely slithered across the road with each passing
vehicle...... But it's not sticking I told myself.... take a deep
breath - drive..... when it was noticeable that I could see tracks,
it building up in the center of the road and now the bridges were
slick looking and indeed icy ... I was thinking and saying -
Girl what have you gotten yourself into?? This couldn't be just a
simple drive home...... Just keep moving and making time, get out of
the mts., with lower elevations this will be gone...... I can not
stress to you how careful I was - with braking and trying to
maintain following distances that were safe - because in case you
don't know - that rig I was driving will not stop on a dime..... I
tried.... and it stops when IT gets ready..... Somebody had lost a
mattress set on the road and traffic was slamming on brakes and
literally it was like threading a needle to avoid hitting someone
else ... but as far as I know we all made it through without losing
it or worse.... I stopped once for gas 1/2 way through WV and made
it to VA -still freezing precipitation.... just keep going.... Folks
I kid you not.... the last grade was 7 miles long when I finally
came out of all those mts., and for the first time in 2 days I saw
the sun shining.... just as I got into NC ... the sun was shining
and even though there were some clouds - I saw more Carolina Blue
skies than clouds....... I smiled... I love synchronicity.... I
continued on - hitting Winston Salem and Greensboro at
rush hour, got gas, used rest room, got nuggets and made it to the
cabin by 6:15pm..... Not bad - oh and I forgot to mention the wind
gusts!!! That was interesting!!! ... Well, by this time I'm 10' tall
and mighty near bullet proof after what I had come through and lived
to tell about!!!
The
dogs once I got here were happy to see me; I had Dixie and
Paquita in my lap before I knew it. Getting something out of the
jeep - I glanced up to see the stars - tears came to my eyes, as I
realized how long it had been since I could see then so clearly
twinkle and see the milky way...... The little things that make me
happy and I'm so thankful for........
Managed
to sneak in a quick visit to Kelvin and Mona's house. Came home went
to bed. Today I've been errand running. I went to see my Mom. I was
kinda anxious about that 'cause I wasn't sure if she would know me -
but she did..... I told her a brief, simple history of where I had
been and what I had been doing - something she could take in,
without getting her confused...... we were glad to see each other
and both got watery eyed...... My Mom doesn't look like herself to
me, doesn't know me sometimes and that's been real hard for me to
deal with a lot of times ... but today - we laughed and cut up and
it was good....
Got the van unloaded - my son is strong and
fast - I couldn't keep up.... he had that van empty before I could
turn around good.... Now, I have to figure out what to do with my
Moms stuff. With my stuff and hers I have just a path through the
house and a big unorganized mess..... I really don't know where to
begin..... But, I will..... Somewhere and just keep moving and doing
till I get it done..... I'm tired, it's cold out and I want
something good to eat - I'm not cooking..... So I'm off to find
something.... warm and comforting..... I'm home, I'm happy and life
is indeed good...... :)) Love and Peace M.
Nov
14, 2007
ON
THE ROAD AGAIN.... part 1
HEADING
OUT IN THE MORN ......
...things did not happen as quickly as I had planned today ... I got uhaul truck pretty early but soon discovered that me loading some of the heavier stuff was a sad joke !!!!! ... so I called a few friends here and they helped me alot !!! I'm a strong 'ole gal - but I just couldn't get everything.... they came over and we got it knocked out... of course I did have everything packed and ready !!! ... and as much as I love the rain - I could have done without it today - now a cold front is coming through so I will be driving in the wind tomorrow and it will be cold.... yukky..... but " on the road the again - like a band of gypsies we go down the highway - on the road again" headed *HOME* shall I be ....... I'm on an air mattress tonight and once I load up a few things that Im storing in the jeep .... I'll go to the uhaul place and the guy there is going to hitch towing trailer for me and tie down the jeep for me - which I appreciate very much ..... Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow - Ive never driven or pulled anything like this before and I got Mts. to cross..... Im using room mates 'puter tonight - I'll probably be able to use ex's tomorrow nite and update everyone as to how this went !!! PEACE AND LOVE - M.
Nov
11, 2007
500
Miles and 5 Months……..
…..That's
how far from home I am and how long I've been here
in Kentucky. When I left NC for Lex. I wasn't
exactly sure why – except God was some how pulling me this way -
for some reason. I didn't know why, but I listened to God and I
moved, thinking the reason would unfold as time unfolded. Since I've
been here, I've learned many things.
Being
here has also taught me to appreciate many things and many people
that I left. In the book "The Alchemist" the story
revolves around a young boy who leaves his home in search of the
'Treasure of Life'. He has many adventures and learns many things.
His adventures ended up leading him back home – for the treasure
he sought was already there, but he was not yet wise enough of life
to be able to see it – until he left and came back …… and then
it was obvious to him.
I am on my way home. As I look down at my ugly croc shoes – I click my heels together and mumble – "There's no place like home, there's no place like home …….. THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME ……"
Peace
and Love - M.
9-3-2007
NEW
WORDS WOVEN.....
Ok
- finally some new stuff....
I've had a lot of really wonderful things happen in my life recently –
although - you might not think so from these postings.
It's
the anniversary of a very painful break up..... a break up with a
man that I had a very unhealthy relationship with.... I learned a
lot from that relationship – something I never want to experience
again.... I learned a lot about other people, but most importantly,
I learned a lot about myself.... some things I'm not proud of –
some things I'm very proud of..... anyway - it seems as part of an
ongoing cleansing – these feelings came up for me recently......
and it's my way of venting - to let escape - as words to a page...
the hurt and yes, sometimes the rage...... thank you for the
indulgence to do so....
Happier
things will be coming soon, as will more of the story I'm working on
– I have it hand written.... just not typed in to the 'puter.....
In
Peace and Light - M
**
THE LIES WERE REAL **
I
want to trust, I want to believe...
Though
many times my mind, my mind...
It
remembers what happen when, when...
I
really did let myself believe, believe...
In
the profession of love for me by a man...
A
man that lied to me...
He
told me everything I wanted to hear..
He
read my soul and spoke my dreams to me...
He
was so good at the lies – I didn't...
...I
didn't know not to believe them...
I
thought my honesty bought his....
I
was wrong -
The
lies were so small – mostly – so subtle...
Little
parts left out of a story...
Always
an alibi,
always a reason for being -
...For
being here or there or late to see me or early to leave me...
And
then there was always – her...
Everything
always revolved around – her...
Then, not only did his world revolve around her...
.......So
did mine......
When
he could call, when he could see me, when he had to leave me...
A
secret in his world...
We
only existed in a fantasy world...
A
world which overlapped mine...
.....
My world – built around what?
A
lie, or two, or three – more – so many....
All
holding on to themselves – supporting each other...
........Till
one day – a little crack was heard....
Then
it heaved..... then it shattered.....
Shattered
into a million pieces....
So
much of my world built on those lies –
-
Gone- none of it REAL....
If
only the pain, the hurt - was just as fake...
Just
as fake .... as the lies were real....
MS
9-12-07
Aug
6, 2007
hey folks - i haven't written any poems or entered any more of my short story in the computer.... i've got a tooth ache..... running a fever... just feeling yukky..... I had an ear infection about 2 1/2 wks ago - which i think was caused now, by this tooth - which i'm getting cut out this friday..... so that will be better.... also my trip to NC slowed me down a bit and started a great new job last week.... which i will write more about soon - it's not exactly nursing!!! so between pain, fever and just plain being tired - i haven't written anything - except a ramble or two..... hope this finds everyone happy and content - i'll be back and writing more before too long!!! - peace ... m.
7-29-2007
.....hard
knocks of life.....
This will be a bit of a ramble perhaps because I'll cover a couple of topics - 1st - church today at Quest Community was great - it usually is.... The past couple of weeks they have been doin' a series called "Quest at the Movies" - this is when they take a different movie each week and look at the lesson of the movie - the parable and bridge it to God's Word /Jesus' teachings. They have all been great, but today and last Sunday's was especially great ....
OK
- in a nutshell - last week "The Guardian"
- starred Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher .... basically - will you be there for someone in need - in their darkest hour - will you offer your hand to help - or will you turn your back and walk away? In the movie it was about drowning, saving people from going under at sea during storms..... there are many people in our world drowning and there's no water insight - Do
you understand what I mean?
Will YOU help them? or will you walk away?..............
Ok
- today it was "Rocky Balboa" - and from the git go - I'm
not a big Sylvester Stallone
fan - BUT - there is a great lesson in this movie..... That
there is always HOPE....
and that life isn't fair - it's full of hard knocks - but the
question is - will you let it knock you out - or will you get back
up and FIGHT? Can you take a lick and still move forward ... No
Matter what life throws at you? A
brave and courageous man or woman is not necessarily without
fear - BUT they press forward INSPITE of the fear and do the right
thing..... are
you a fighter - will you take a punch, get the breath knocked out of
you.... and still move forward with your life? Or will you blame
others and the circumstances of your past for keeping you in
bondage? Will you remember the HOPE and the possibility of a good
life AND
FIGHT FOR IT - STAND UP TO YOUR DEMONS AND SAY "NO, I WON'T BE HELD DOWN ANY LONGER"? ......What - what will you do? ....... I pray that I'm strong enough to be there for anyone that needs me - holding out my hand - shining the light and
love God
put in my heart - helping them if they want it, if they ask for my
help and reach out for it..... and I will fight because I know there
is always HOPE.... I will fight till the breath leaves my body for
what I know to be right..... I AM A WARRIOR at heart - The Holy
Spirit, God, Spirit, Great Mystery, Divine Creator - what ever you
want to call IT - is my Guide - to love, to heal, to speak, to
listen, to hold, to comfort, to fight or just to be...... What will
you stand for? fight for? get knocked down and stand back up for?
Who will you give a helping hand to? Who will you pull to safety
from the undertow, if asked? ...... OK - I got a little deep and
heavy there, but
think about it... Peace, M.
......Well - where to I begin? I waited over an hour past departure time in Louisville at the airport because the plane couldn't leave Newark to come to Louisville.... just barely made flight connection in Cleavland to Raleigh..... After that I had a wonderful ride with my son back to Roxboro..... arriving at the cabin about 10pm. Stayed with ex there in a really nice guest room he had set up in my son's old room..... After getting my things in - I traveled very light - I went outside and sat down under the moon and stars...... it was fantastic!!! NO night lights, street lights orartificial lights of any kind!!! Just the crickets, cadydeads, frogs, night birds and the distant hum oftobacco barns...... I relished that moment and soaked it all in..... The dogs and cats were eager to say hello and they all wanted to crawl up into my lap !!! ...slept ok ....
On
Tuesday, it was errands and business. That night, I had supper with
my brother, my 4 nephews, wives or girlfriends, great-nephew and my
son at a Roxboro landmark restaurant. A
great time shared by all!!! This was the first time I had seen my
great-nephew - what a sweetie!! smart and strong!!! After supper my son and I went with one of my nephews and watched 'um play poker at a local night spot - I watched - because I just don't get Texas Holdin' Poker..... Whats wrong with regular poker? Made an early night of it and went back to cabin and enjoyed a shower or two on the porch listening to the rain on the tin roof.... almost heaven.....
Wednesday, found me headed to Raleigh to see my friend Kelly.... aka - bubba!!! We had a great time catching up!!! Came back to the Rock and to Kelvin and Miss Mona's house - where Miss Mona out did herself on the best steak I have had in Many moons!!! Caught up with them.....
Bubba called early Thursday and offered to treat she and I to a pedicure ...It took me less than a second to say yes !!! My puppies needed the work !!!So, back to Raleigh..... We got that done and it was Kelvin's B-day Thursday, so I had to come back to K&M's for that and to give him a hug and kiss!!! I got him a chocolate fudge cake and called it good !!! I had the best time with them - They are the best friends you could have - and I treasure them !!!
Friday
found me packing and leaving for RDU and my flight back to KY.... My
ex dropped me off at the airport - he's a good guy and friend - I
did appreciate him being hospitable to me..... Felt like I
flew most of the day - got back to Louisville about 5pm - drove in rain and rush hour traffic home to Lex.... it was a rolling parking lot from where I-75 joins I-64.... so I got off ASAP and onto the Circle - state road 4..... Within 2 miles of home, the car in front of me slams on brakes - I do too - But because the road is bumpy due to construction - my anti-lock brakes kicked in and I couldn't stop ..... I hit them..... rear ended them.... I've had close calls but I've never hit another vehicle..... I was frightened.... I wasn't hurt and neither were they - very minimal if any damage - we weren't going very fast - we swapped ins. info and reported it..... I'm thankful everyone was ok.... but that was the ending of my trip.... after it was over - I had myself a good little cry....... it was good to sleep in my bed, with my pillows again !!!!
-
7-19-2007
A sunday ramble........
.....well,
i find myself in one of those days that i wish i had
someone to make me some chicken soup!! i'm a bit under the weather
with an ear infection - i've fought it for a week and finally got
an antibiotic
friday.... felt better, but now it seems i've found myself in a feverish time each afternoon and early evening.....leaves me tired.....on top of this i will be flying back to NC tomorrow, with an ear infection - that shall be interesting !! i'll be there for the week on business and pleasure..... it will be good to see family and friends - i'm sure bubba and earlene will have a 'jam session', miss mona and mr kelvin will have pizza & hot wings or miss mona will out do herself cooking something grand for supper and of course seeing my son and mom will be a special treat!!!! a stop by juh to see comrades still at work there will also be pleasing......oh, and my critters - dogs and one messed up cat affectionately known as frank - short for frank-in-kitty ..... long story but he did go through a period of time looking like frankenstein cat!!!..... missing my critters, i have been going by the lex humane society
almost
everyday this past week to visit with some of the dogs and kitties
there.... there is one dog that i would like very much to give
a home to - she's an older dog that's bushy and looks like a jim henson creation.... she has the prettiest blue eyes and sweetest face..... and i'm sure she's depressed - her dog friend was already adopted - the were surrendered by the same family... i'm sure she feels lonely and lost .....then i fall in love with another absolutely sweet dog that's a small white spaniel mix, shes such a little lady - her name is doodles and if i were not going to be out of town this week i would without question adopt her.... but it wouldn't be fair for me to do so under the circumstances.... and then there's this sweet manx cat - i love manx kitties!!! ...... who am i kidding - i'd take 'um all home with me if i could..... i have a soft spot it seems for strays, lost and lonely critters.... i want 'um all to be loved!!! oh well, i do what i can - spend some time with 'um and love on 'um at least for a little while till they find forever homes..... everyone there is very nice and the animals are well taken care of, the animals are lucky if they find their way there - they have hope of finding a good home...... well, my fever is at the point, i'm gonna rest some with it, then pack for tomorrow's journey. i
will check my email and page daily till my return...... m
...just
re-posted this in front of "what if" so it would be in
order.... m
Do
You?
Do
you want a love...
Wild,
free and real -
That
races through your bones...
Soaring
beyond your soul?
A
love potential --
...that
only the cosmos knows?
As
it's energy sheerly collides...
And explodes--
....collapses
back onto itself...
As
time and time again...
Stronger
it grows?
To
sweetly caress the skin...
of
a lovers soul...
Who
knows and longs for that--
....you've
sought and fought your whole life for?
Do
You?
.....And
have you found.... the one....
that
shares - deep inside...
The
song .... that only your heart hums?
MS
7-16-07
Jul
18, 2007
What
If....
And
what if you found this lover...
....this
lover humming that song............
What
would you do to acquire that love, found again?
Would
you seek that love out.....
Would
you sneak up on it and pounce?
Would you declare your love....
.....would
you make a way?
Or
Would
you let your true love slide by....
Thinking
you couldn't catch them.....
.......with
tears in your eye?
Would
you let your heart hum the song alone....
....yet
knowing where the other heart plays the same tune?
And
what of the other heart....
...sentenced
to a life with out you......
All
because you let them believe - it
wasn't their tune....
What
if.....
......... you
trusted the love...
...you
had hope and believed in the power....
...of
your true love...
....................................what
if............
MS
7-18-07
Jul
15, 2007
New
Moon
The
moon is new tonight...
The
sky dark, the stars shine bright...
Time
for new beginnings,
New
cycles,
New
loves,
New
life,
New
hearts...
An
empty circle waiting to be filled...
With hopes and dreams and wishes....
A
mark of time...
Between
ending and fulfilling...
Such
is the sweetness
And
the gift...
Of
a New Moon.......
MS
7-15-07
July 12, 2007
Well, today found me in Eminence, Kentucky at the Highland Renaissance Festival !!! It was wonderful - if you've never been and you're from this area - GO!!! Pack the kids up and make a day out of it..... Only this week end and next are the last of it for this year.
There
are vendors there and food for sale. The food is not over
priced like at some many places.... I got chicken tenders, fries
combo for $5.00 and could not begin to eat it all! AND.... they had
privies set up in handy locations all through the park area - with a
place to wash your hands - very important!! Music from different
groups, and shows going on of some type all day - although I think
most stuff started really going about noon.... There were activities
that you could take part in and they had things set up for kids as
well..... plenty of parking - just a great day trip!!! There were
pretty young maids for the guys and handsome men in kilts for the
ladies!!! I have a weakness for a man in a kilt - sorry !!! Anyway -
I can't say enough good things about the set up these folk have
got, I hope you try it .... I have pics I took today in my pic
- link in the album just for the festival - take a peek..... more
info may also be found at www.kyrenfaire.com
Well
- I had a blast - but I'm tired!!! I don't think I'm walking
tonight!
Have
a good one - M
Jul
8, 2007
Well,
today's road trip was to Ft. Boonesborough State Park. It was the
second settlement in Kentucky and was built by Daniel Boone and his
men on April 1, 1775. It's not too far from Lex and I needed to get
out of the city.... A country gal can stay in the city only so long
- then she has to get out and re-charge her batteries!!! Plus I
really wanted to go to a river and this was on The Kentucky River -
which I checked out after the Fort.
The Fort area was very interesting with most of the cabins within containing a person in period costume showing visitors how items were made and / or what life was like at the Fort in 1775. It also showed cabins furnished from someone just arriving without anything to a cabin that had been established and furnished with many items. The Fort had a garden and flowers native to the area and a store that contained items that would have been typical of the time and place.....I swear I was born 200 yrs too late.....anyway - I got me some lye soap!! I haven't made any in a while and wanted some!!! The whole trip was very nice, I plan on going back - with my camera!!! Of course I forgot it!!
I loved the winding roads out to the Fort - once you get past I -75 - it really gets hilly quickly!! The lay of the land reminds me so much of Vermont - I think that's a big part of why I like the area!!! I'd love to have a little cottage out in those hills near the river - it's beautiful - I will be going back !!! I'm sorry I don't have pictures!!!
Oh
well - so much for that adventure - now I must cook some supper!!!
Have
a great evening or day !!
-
Blessings Miss M.
Jul
6, 2007
OK - Hey ya'll!!
I just got back from my first Lex Celtic Society "gathering" ..... and it was wonderful!!!! Live music provided by Liam's Fancy and guests including a world reknown celtic flutist..... absolutely fan-fricking-tastic!!!! It's held the first Thursday of the month at O'Neils on Richmond in Lex.... if you like this kinda stuff or think you might - come on out - it's a 'laid- back -take- it- easy' kinda crowd - with good Irish grub and drink - and did I mention the wonderful live music??!!
AND....
every week-end till July 22 there is a REN Faire going on in
Eminence, KY - it's the Highland Renaissance Festival - more info on
this @ www.kyrenfaire.com
I
had such a good time - and the people are friendly!!!! Give it a try
!!! I just can't say enough about this group and what a great time
was had !!!!
...
and it's just not the hard cider talking!!! LOL!!!
....anyway
- have a blessed night - I'm thankful for all the nice and cool
people I met tonight!! have a good one - M
Jul
4, 2007
**
Fire Fly Promenade **
A
jar full of fire flies - a child has caught...
Set
the Fey free - their freedom is sought!!!
Little
Lords and Ladies fair - they 've a ball to attend...
The
Midsummer Dance for fire flies and kin....
They've
gathered after the rain...
Eager
and hungry for the dance - you'd think them insane!!!
Flying and streaking with thier little butts all a glow...
While
Cay-dee-deads hum a tune, that you know....
Rare
and magic indeed to behold....
The
Fey in their finery - you won't have to be told!!!
A
sip of Four Roses in my toast to thee ....
The
Fire Fly Promenade - what a beautiful sight to see!!!
MS
7-4-07
.....
FIRECRACKERS !!!!
...Man
the fireworks!!
I'm
running from the front yard to the back yard -
I
can barely keep up!!!
Man
- what a show!!
Here
in Lex - it rivals sex!!
A
LOUD - DEEP - Wha - OOOOMMM - the sparkles of color shoot....
Red,
white, blue and green....
Looking
up - in awe - I say p-r-i-t-t-y.....
Then
run to front - WOW!!
-
Not another round in the back!!!
Damn!!
I can't keep up !!!
In
NC they let us have "sparklers".......
In
KY - FIRECRACKERS!!! .....
I
see I came to the right place - indeed !!!
YA
- YA - YA - YA - YYOOOWWW - an Indian war hoop I screech!!!!
If
done in Carolina - the 'Po - Po' we'd see!!!
All
of this between God's fireworks too!!!
Yes
- Thor - I heard you too!!
The
air heavy with firecracker smoke....
Yaaa
hoooo!!! Kiss my Rebel ass!!!
A
wonderful sight - Dang - what a night!!!
MS
7-4-07
Jul
4, 2007
A
YEAR AGO.....
Your
birthday a year today ago...
Our
last happy time together I know....
The
ships, the sails, the beach...
It
was all with in our reach...
A
life together - at least for a moment - my friend...
.......But,
then our time there came to an end....
We
both knew once we left the port with the ocean so blue...
We'd
be leaving the "Us" there too.....
We
knew we wouldn't survive past those last days...
In
our real world we would get lost in the haze...
We
stopped at the shore, on our way out of town...
Both
sad and tearful - knowing for what we were bound...
You
tried to say - it wouldn't be so ....
But, I
told you - we had no where else to go ....
So
- time has proved me right....
We're
now, just bitter sweet memories - a tear at night....
Some
things are meant to be - some things are not...
My
dear friend, some time together - we caught...
I'm
glad to have known you...
Even
though it was just for a few...
In
my heart you will always be...
A
friend and soul wanting like a kite to fly -
free....
With
kind thoughts of you today....
I
hope all your dreams come true and life goes your way....
In
peace, light and love - Me
MS
7-4-07
Jul
4, 2007
.....helpless......
i've seen you - but i haven't written......
.....what's
left to write...by some little lost kitten?
.....huh?
what do i write when none of it matters?
your mind and emotions....you willfully s c a t t e r ....
...............................i deluded myself to believe i could help - hon...
what
good have i been to you? nothing - zilch - none
hell
bent on destroying yourself - from the inside ....out.....
...................................................helpless - all i can do now....is pout.....
......................i've
prayed for you from my heart and soul....
to God i've begged for you to be whole.................
........but
- you gotta want it and ....you....don't.............
to
allow Jesus to heal the hurts and wounds, to wash the blood from
your hands and soul - but you .............you..........won't.....
...............................what comfort do you find with this mistress - tragic.........
a
happy life you could have if you choose - it's not magic.........
........my warrior friend - in battle... i know what you've done and what you've seen...
i've
told you enough of your past - you know it's true....my
senses............ keen
you've
been through death's door and back - still knocking.....
..............you've tried to escape through battle, liquor, sex, c o c k i n g ....
.........the
hammer.........
.....................the
smoking woman - damn her..........
i do care - i must confess....
..........but
to no avail.................i'm still helpless
MS
7-4-07
Jun
25, 2007
The
Dance
Dawn
sky, pink and lavender... sun yet to rise...
On
a new day full of surprise...
The night birds are quiet, as birds of the day start their song...
A gentle breeze teases the mist - you know it won't be long...
The sun will peep over the horizon...
As other creatures stir - they be a'rising...
The dew the night weeped...
Will slip back to ground, falling asleep......
To
be shed, yet again, under next night's darkness...
The
Fey, already in slumber, waiting under leaf for dusk's sweet kiss...
The
day so bright and full of light...
Dances
the circle with the dark and the night...
A
beautiful moment, when they meet in between...
As
dawn and dusk... a time...with much unseen...
The
beauty of this dance, the ebb and flow...
Travelers
of this circle, they know... just where to go...
Holding
hands with the moon and stars...
The
sun smiles, shining from a far...
Loving them all, along for the ride, tapping my toe...
Keeping rhythm, thankful for God's blessings..... I know.... M.
ODE TO A CHIGGER..... just for fun!
Oh you little red bug chigger...
You burrow in skin - yes - you are quite the digger!!!
Living
on grass or bush leaf...
Till some innocent soul brushes by - then you bite with yo' teef!!!
Itchy
red whelps...
OH!
How I yelp!!!
Clorox, calamine, benadryl - pills and cream...
Finger
nail polish, scratching - I scream!!!
On
legs, belly, back and sweet meat - be speckled with bites!!!
Eeeeeeeeeewwwwww!
- what a sight!!!
You
little boogers - damn you!!!
How
I loath you - if I could, I would sue!!!
For
pain and suffering...
Nothing
seems to aid in the buffering...
The
itch, the itch, the itch!!!
Yes
- you - know it - it's a bitch!!!
I'll
recover in time...
Till
then - I'll just sit here and whine!!!
Applying my benadryl lotion...
And
10 other anti-itch potions!!!
MS
6-25-07
Jun
23, 2007
Well, yesterday was a wild goose chase!!! I had to go get my finger prints at the police station - I thought it would be that easy..... I finally find it and park..... go in tell them that I need to be finger printed for my job and they ask where my finger print card is - they don't supply them...... They told me the employer should have done so.... When I applied for my KY nursing lic. they did.... but hospital didn't - heck I didn't even know they needed that... I had an extra copy made in NC and just left that with my application when I flew here a mth. ago for my interview..... No one ever asked for them .....NOW they tell me they need one - an official one ....... *deep sigh* Now the copy was not signed or dated.... SSSOOooooooo they can't use them - now I have to send the copy back to the sheriff's dept. in NC where I had them done and get the lady that did them to sign and date them, mail it back to the hospital - ALL of this before they can even begin the NC criminal background check..... Most of my family is in LE and they know me where I had the prints done, because of whose sister I am or whose aunt I am, so this won't be a problem...... Just time.... meanwhile I need a J-O-B..... which I don't think will be a problem either .... the nursing company I worked contract for in NC has something in this area that may work out.... we'll see how that goes next week .....
Now
in all this - keep in mind I'm learning my way around Lex..... If I
found myself going the wrong way once - I found myself going the
wrong way 10 times!!! Most of the time I was on the right road -
just going the wrong direction!!! anyway...... it's a good way to
learn my way around!!!! and see the city!!!
I cooked for my roommates last night - BBQ chicken, corn pudding, green pea salad, greenbean casserole and a cherry dump cake!!!! It turned out well - I wasn't quite pleased with my chicken, but it was still good - just not as "bbq - y" as I wanted it...... there's none left - so that's a good sign!!! My roommates had been spoiling me with their cooking so it was time for me to treat them!! We've got to stop all this cooking - I swear we're gonna gain weight!!! and I've worked too hard this Spring losing weight - to pack it back on now!!!
My room still looks like an explosion when off in it - haven't got my computer together yet.... I had a wireless connection at my apt. in NC - which was nice .... Here, I got a wireless router last night - but I can't get my computer to connect - yet.... It picks up the signal and gives me a good reading, but my computer just won't connect with it..... gotta work on that some more - then I'll tackle setting up my vonage phone with a wireless connection!! thats fun too !!! In the mean time my room mates are letting me use their computer....
I think we may go to Frankfort today - I want to go to the grave of Daniel and Rebecca Boone - I love history and there's a lot around here to keep me busy!!!
Then
church tonight - I like to go on Sat. night - Quest can be crowded
and it's less crowded on Sat. night!!!!
Oh
well, more adventures are on the way and I will start posting more
poems, and short stories soon.... I've mentioned before that I have
a long story I'm working on.... I may put out what I have so far...
it's a long way from finished!!! but I do have a poem to put in the
computer, then post, also I'm thinking about posting some things I
wrote back in the early to mid 90's...... I'll see how smart I am
with typing and how much time I find myself with!!!
In the meantime * smile* Life is Good!!!
Mindy
Jun
17, 2007
Tonight, I went to my home town - Roxboro - had pizza and hotwings with some very dear friends and my son. I went by and said good bye for a while to some other friends as well......
In
closing this chapter of my life book.....I guess.... I think about
the previous chapters of my life - how they were written, who
the characters were
in each, who were just ones that came and went and who has been in
the whole book........ which ones were teachers, which ones were
students...... Looking at how I've grown, as a person, a friend, a
mother, a lover, and a Spirit..... I'm stubborn sometimes, I've been
broken and frightened a lot of the time, I've made poor choices
sometimes, I've made seemingly bad choices that were in the end the
ones I learned the most from....... I've always tried to believe the
best about people, I've always treated people the way I would like
to be treated in everything, but especially nursing..... I've
strayed from my path to Spirit occasionally -
NEVER lost sight of it, but never understood some things about that
path till recently either..... Being a little stubborn, I've tried
to control my life, I called myself listening to God, but was too
frightened to surrender, I've felt myself so unlovable that I even
questioned how God could love me - damaged goods..... I listened to
those tapes recorded in my mind as a little girl - believing them -
only realizing lately that they weren't true, they weren't about
me..... Realizing the power of Jesus, understanding why He did
what He did for us, understanding the energy of that and allowing
Him to literally come into me and heal those hurt, wounded places
has changed my whole world - I'm moving 500 miles away from the only
home I've ever known for a church that I feel God is pulling me
to..... How do I explain that? Faith? or just Crazy? I don't
know..... Time will tell..... So my book is far from finished... I
look forward to seeing what God and I come up with in these next
couple of chapters!! There have been quite a few twists and turns
and plot changes so far !!!
I will miss a lot of the people I leave here, I thank them for their role in my book - I wouldn't be the woman I am now - if not for them..... I have no regrets. I've been who I have been, I am who I am, and I am ever becoming, who I will be in every moment, that slips into the future..... I am loved, I am blessed, I am happy and I am Me - Mindy
This
is about my best gal pal of 15 years!!!
Bubba
and Earlene
There
once was 2 best friends...
Everywhere
we did go - we would make people grin!
We
laughed and we joked and carried on -
You
couldn't help but love us... your heart we won!
Our
comedy show - know by friends as "Bubba and Earl"
Dynamite
alone, atomic together - in our company you
were
in for a twirl!
With
venues like "The Straddle", "LR's" and "The
Corner Pocket"...
At
home in "The Garage Bar" or a "Cabin Yard Party"
– we would blast off like rockets!
All
of our buddies - Billi, Big Rick, Lil' Rick & Pam, Dick, Coy,
Kevin,
Kelvin
& Mona, Bernie & Killer, Coop, my Nephews, Howard & Judy
- oh yeah - Barry Man too!!
Talking
into the wee hours … beside a fire… out in the yard all night...
Quantum
physics, black holes, strings - things not even in sight...
The pranks, the jokes, the belly laughs, the "moonings" - so many - but still too few...
And
lest not forget - "Friends don't let friends .... Drink
and sew"!!!!
Of
course, Bubba, it was yo' damn brother - Scott...
Who
tagged me with my nick name Earl - for this.... he should be shot!!!
My
Sister - what a wild blast we have had...
Burning
my nose that time - then I needed some salve!!
We
can't forget your "Tub Drunk"....
Back
when we were pups - all full of spunk!!!
So
goes the ballad of Bubba and Earl - best friends
"Tell
me why this is a good idea - AGAIN"
Hoping
and praying we wouldn't get caught -
"Damn
we're in a tight spot!"
"Shit
fire and save matches"
Come
on….. I know we can pick them latches!
So
- okay a couple of scraps, scratches and maybe a lump -
But,
"Tie yo' hat on Nellie - we got gullies to jump!!!"
"F**k
me running" or "Lord love a duck"
Occasionally
we did ... land in some muck!!!
Sometimes
tired, worn, irritable and a little wary...
We'd look to the other, "Come on now - I'll be yo' huckleberry"
Sally
and Jilly - on and on I could go - telling of sown wild oats...
With
our sayings and mischief and our movie quotes....
….
But... "Who is sad" … to be leaving my friend – Bubba
"Is
me"… Earlene – your friend like no o'thua….
On
the road… The Earlene Show is solo… now….
Ready
or not…. Kentucky, here I come…. W-O-W!!!
And…
as I turn to leave, with a thick Jamaican accent… you say with a
smack….
"Now ........ GO GIRL....... and don't ya' dare look back………"
Kelly,
you've been the best friend a soul could have – I'd a lost my
mind, somewhere along the way in these last 15 years, if not for
you, just being my friend, my sister, my buddy, my kin…..
I've
thanked God more than once for you!!!
I love ya' girl
Miss
Mindy Sue Who
MS
6-15-07
Jun
13, 2007
Hey- just an update .... my contract job is up this friday - I'm "maxing out" of my prison stint!!! yaaaaaa!!! Probably moving next week at this time.... not looking forward to that drive!!! BUT happy I'm sure once I get there!!
I've
been writing - just haven't gotten it in the computer yet. I'm
trying to work, pack, sleep and say good bye to my friends here, so
my time here is a little rushed sometimes!! I still write everything
I do by hand, then put in the computer. Does anyone else do this as
well?
I get alot of hits on my blog - I wish those of you who read me would, drop me a note - privately or leave a comment - give me some feed back.... I wonder - what you wonder as you read some of my work..... some of the older stuff is some of my best I think and I like my short stories - just let me know what you think!!
Well,
let me get my Dept of Corrections issued scrubs on and go to
prison!!! Duty calls!!!
**
Feed Back*** please !! ;-o THANKS!!!!
Jun
7, 2007
It's been a strange time in my life lately!! I didn't realize moving away from a place thats been my home my whole life would cause such a stir, but indeed it has!! Some things are coming full circle, other things are coming up to be healed and released – I hope I have the grace to let them go .... I do ... However, it's not always an easy thing to do .... But, life is not always easy – and thats okay.... It's the things that are not easy that give us the most character, the most strength, the most wisdom, and sometimes the most reward in the end....
What
I've posted this morning – is a polar mix – 2 things quite sad -
and 1 very happy! My 2 previous postings were happy and sad ......
It's a balance of where I'm at right now - I'm at this moment in
time able to be .... be on that narrow edge between the past and the
future.... to reminisce and
remember the memories – good and bad and at the same time look to
the future with hope and anticipation...... I'm at the pinnacle –
the point of the fulcrum – that
place of balance between... It's a magical, intensely creative
place!!! What a ride, indeed!! I am thankful, I am blessed and even
though some memories are painful and sad – ultimately I am
happy.... In Peace and Light - MS
You
Are Already Here
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
Whether
as my Secret Falcon -
Or
my Nordic Silver Gray Wolf ... I'm won...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
I
have seen you in my minds eye...
Felt
you near, your energy so clear... I soar high...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
A
shape shifter like me... I have no fear...
Your
hackles went up as you sensed me near...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
You
heard my heart cry -
It
brought tears to your eyes... you wondered why...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
In
the Spirit World you have finally found me -
Now
my constant companion... never
will you flee ...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
Only
a matter of time now in the real world before we are together...
The
look in our eyes, peering into our souls – we'll know.... forever
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
For
so long we've searched one for the other... our spirits we've
honed...
Under
the moon and stars we will run - never alone
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
Together
again and under God's cover...
Thankful
for you my long lost lover...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
I've
wondered if I'd ever find you –
But
you found me.... some how you knew...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
I've
missed you dearly my Nordic Wolf friend –
Seems
in circles we've danced.... looking for kin...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
Other
members of our clan - I have found – they are good friends....
They
helped you find me, but only you, can hold my fire... and shelter me
from the wind...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
In
Spirit long ago sacred bonds made...
Sacredly
binding body and soul... never will they fade...
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
Together
as One when united –
Love
Holy, Divine and requited....
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
An
easy peace with me, as you are near...
I
think sometimes you might even read me... here....
You
are already here with me ...
I
know this without a doubt....
A
gentle knowledge whispered in my ear –
Gods
plan gingerly unfolding... for us my dear...
We
are blessed...
6-7-07
tweaked
6-15-07
MS
I'll
Just Walk Away...
I'm
not sure why I made the call...
Perhaps
looking for some closure after this all...
Still
hoping to touch something that was real...
Between
us, so many things needing to be healed...
It's
like trying to go back to a dream – once awake.....
And
catch that place we still remember just knowing it wasn't fake...
No
matter how fast we try to snatch it back ...
It
seems we can never fall into it – and pull out the slack....
Leaving
here, leaving you, leaving all my dreams of 'once upon a time'...
In
a fantasy – fantastic and sublime....
Remembering
all the things I wanted with you...
A house, a life – even a couple of kids – at least two...
I
wanted to be your wife more than anything...
It felt, at times like I was – then bang!!!
Reality...
Let's not forget that little technicality!!!
When
I spoke to you – I realized the only place that we were special
– was in my heart...
If
I ever meant something to you – now you just hide it in the
dark....
I
guess I still hope that you really did love me...
That
I was more than some key...
Unlocking a treasure chest of energy and light....
For
consumption by a couple of creatures of the night....
I
always told you, you didn't know with what , you were living...
But,
you did know – it was to her – you were giving...
I
still love you – I guess this has all been an emotional pun...
But,
I don't hate you, I don't hate anyone...
It's
just not in my heart to be that way....
Sometimes,
because of this, I end up in a fray...
Oh
well, thank you for the lessons...
They
were hard and kept me guessin'...
I
always believed the best in 'you'...
The you that was kind, loving and giving – that's who I knew...
That
you was and is the one that I love...
That's
the one with all my heart, I hope will ask for help from God
above...
You
have so much goodness inside your heart...
I
wish I could have done more to help you heal before we had to
part...
You
are so wounded, angry and wrought with fear...
I
wish from you – these I could take – my dear...
Thats
just not within my power to heal ....
It's
something you have to choose –
you know the deal ....
I
tried with all my heart.....
To
lead you from the dark ...
Still
too scared and afraid ...
You
– you stayed....
I
wish you knew, you are never too broken....
To
be loved by God – listen with your heart to these
words I've spoken....
It's
never too late ..
This
doesn't have to be your fate....
A
sadder note...
Between
us was wrote ....
A
child conceived between you and I...
I
lost him very early – who knows why ....
Something
not right – not growing to see the light...
Another
fruitless flower of our plight.....
Alone,
I mourned the loss of that little one....
He
would have been our son ....
So much sadness and pain between us ....
It's made my heart almost bust .....
I
don't know what else I can say...
It's
time I guess, for me to leave, so I'll just walk away ....
Finish
letting my heart mend...
Remembering
my dreams, turned to fairy dust and scattered in
the wind.....
Always
have, still do...
Always
will, love you....
In
Peace and Light
MS
6-7-07
Jun
7, 2007
The
Castle Empty...
The
cold stone and damp bleakness...
Wind
screeches through shattered windows...
Like dreams through the emptiness of my shattered soul...
The
handy work of the Ice Queen, the one you still embrace....
Bidding done by her freely tethered captive....
In bondage mind and emotions – but what of heart and soul?
The
castle is empty -
The stone cold and the bleakness damp...
An
owl perches, looks mournfully back...
Quietly
it takes flight to another castle...
One
warm and glowing and bright...
Where Lords love their Ladies and protect them from the bitter cold...
Snuggling
cozy and warm enveloped by the honesty of heart....
A
Lady Fair
written
12-7-06
MS
Quiet
Reflections
In flux now day to day...
Everything
is in the mix – that's Okay
Many
memories are stirred up now...
Remembering
friends, lovers, my life – WOW!!
I think about how each left it's mark...
Good,
bad, happy or sad I still have my spark!
I
will miss many people here...
But
I know God moves me – I have no fear
Just
gentle thoughts of good times and bad...
Even
the bad ones make me a little sad
Not
to be drown in the whoa ....
So
many memories of laughs and silliness in tow
From
cabin yard parties, 'the straddle' and 'LR's'...
To 'the Bubba & Earl shows' – closing up all the bars!!!
Laughs
and survivor at K&M's house – pizza and hot wings...
Yes,
we thought we were kings - looking for strings!!!
Shooting
pool and drinking beer - "Can I sit 'side you?"
Telling
lies and sipping old Grand Dad and Turkey out by the fire – way
too few
Made at 2 in the morning, the best fried egg sandwiches you ever wrapped yo' mowf 'round on a whim...
Never to forget con-quest-a- dors and how funny forks are a little after 420am!!!
Coop, Big Rick, Lil'Rick, Coy, Bernie and Killer, me and "the moon"....
Strawberry
'shine and Halloween parties – we ate it with a spoon!!!!
All
those years at J. U. H. --
The
good times had, the friends I did make
Smoking
cloves – out on the dock...
Going
to the Longbranch - waiting for 11 o'clock!!
Nothing
would I take.....
For
each precious memories sake!!!!
Smiling
– it's right with me ....
Inside
my heart anytime I want to see
Those
sweet memories....
Oh
so dear to me!!
I
am fine, I'm more than okay...
In
this life, I'll take this hand that's been dealt to me – and play
I
won't quit, I never give up, I'll step up to the plate ....
As
God shows me – my way – I patiently wait
I
know I have what it takes ....
To
live life to the fullest – in my heart there is nothing fake
So,
on I march, with this happy fire in my heart...
I'll
carry His light – there will be no dark
My future bright and strong...
In his name I can do no wrong
I look forward to my new friends and loves and life...
Passing
each day seamlessly without strife
Each
day will I embrace and new memories be made...
As
I let old hurts and slights that went bump in the night - simply
fade
Joyously
happy, my light shines.
I
am blessed.
MS
5-31-07
Fallen
Angel
Fallen Angel - my heart and light you did test...
Hurt
and aloneness like I'd never known – for months no rest
That
pain I felt sometimes beyond my soul...
Out
of the darkness I wanted you to come – whole
I held the light as long as I could...
But you didn't follow, in vain I hoped that you would
These
memories the saddest of all for me here...
As I realized your true need of me my dear
Perhaps some accidental love you felt for me along the way ...
Whilst siphoning the very essences of my soul away
Sometimes I'm angry at what you took and I gave you...
My
heart open wide, so loving and giving I never knew
I
really did believe in you and us...
Naive and
foolish I guess, I only knew to trust
About
you, now, I try to remember...
Only
the kindest things – letting the rest grow dimmer
Though,
I must never forget the creature that you are...
From
my heart I will and must keep you far
Even
of the light and strong...
Never
embracing the dark or anything wrong
Your
mark on me – it ran deep...
But
God my soul – he keeps
For
what it's worth I forgave you...
My
heart healed stronger because of you
By His grace you have hope – bright...
My
hope is that you never forget the possibility of
the light
In
peace - light - love
Me
MS
5-31-07
May
23, 2007
Just a quick post - I'm so excited I can't see straight !!! I just got my housing in Lexington worked out and I'm sooooo happy !!! 2 cool dudes for room - house mates !!! hhhhhoooooorrrrrraaaaaaa !!!! with a back yard just waiting for me to help garden !!! I swear, I'm just a bit manic - I can't sleep !!! but I better TRY !! I'm so blessed - I'm a HAPPY GIRL - YIPPPEEE!!!!! more to come as other things get settled with my move - Lexington - watch out .... you got one slamming, knock your socks off red head moving in..... tie your hat on and get ready - I'm on my way.......
My
Wolf of The Woods
The
clan elders had their counsel, things were decided for the
tribes
and celebrating a good harvest could now begin. Men hunted
and
brought game for the women to prepare, children played, new
friends
made. Everyone dressed in their finest cloths as hours were
spent
singing, dancing, and feasting.
I
had noticed you before that day, at other tribal gatherings. I knew
who
you were, I knew what you were. If you knew of me, and
what
I was - you never shared it with me.
I
was a loner, I was different, staying to myself in the woods or
learning from grandfather the ways of the Great Mystery. My
grandfather
spoke of your father often. He was a great leader and
you
a respected brave with gifts the others didn't have.
Grandfather
saw this and I saw it too. He spoke highly of you as
well,
already knowing, like me, that our union was to come.
I
watched you this gathering differently than before. Perhaps
because
I was older – a young woman now, I noticed how the
sweat
clung to your chiseled features, how your long black hair
flowed
in the breeze, how you eyes, dark as coal and endlessly
deep, beckoned me
inside, to lose myself in the sweetness of your
soul.
I was a quiet, a rather tall lanky young woman. Plain compared to
most
other young maidens. I talked very little most of the time, but
listened
to the world with all my senses. I had
a gift like you, that
my
grandfather, the tribe's medicine man, saw and nurtured. I
could see things in nature and in people that others could not. I
read
the forest – woods, animals, birds and stars – even the wisps
of
smoke whispered to me. I could listen with my heart and soul to
Spirit and
allow Spirit to work through me to help
others heal.
On
this particular day, I was perched in a tree, watching
you
walk up from the river. Never alone, you always had a gaggle
of
girls running behind you – a measure of your handsomeness and
charm.
You had noticed me before too and knew I'm sure
something at
least different about me. Maybe I stirred something
inside
you – something you weren't sure of – or didn't understand.
Some
mysterious connection we shared, but one whose meaning
remained
elusive to us both. What pulled us together was not
something visible or
explainable. What pulled us together was
Spirit.
Your spirit and my spirit alike and yet needing something
from the other to evolve to the next level of our wholeness with
Great Mystery. We saw it in each others eyes and we knew. I had
never
had anyone look at me and be able to see me – see into me
and
know – like you. Possibly you saw in me, someone that
understood,
sensed who you were, loved and excepted you
absolutely as
you were, because I was that way too. Words were
few
between us, they were not needed, being together was
natural
for
us, understanding each other, bringing out the best in one
another.
When our time came to slip away – we did – to a
beautiful
spot by a small lake surrounded with open woods. Our
time
together was scared, many things were shared we can't even
begin
to phantom on a spiritual level
- the needed exchanges made
of our hearts and soul – letting us grow. Though, we only came
together during
the clan gatherings, connections were made that
last
to this day. A bond known to few.
I'm
glad to have met my friend again and renew the ties that freely
bond
us together through time. You do make me smile to the very
core
of my being with your your loving gentle ways. Spirit works
through
you to everyone you come near. It worked through you to
reach me, touch my heart and renew my growth in It. For that I
am
unspeakably grateful.
I've
been confused some with all of this, not understanding how it
all
fit together. I'm sure I've been frustrating, but I finally
understand
and I'm at peace in my heart with it. A better friend, I
could
not ask for, thanks for allowing me the space to
remember......
J-
My
wolf of the woods
My
shifting shape friend
You
and I – kindred spirits
Not
alone – there are many
Beside
you in battle
Beside
you in feast
Always
there for you in spirit
Always
near if you need
Spoken
with gratitude
These
words from my heart
May Spirit bless you
Keeping
you from any days dark... - M
MS
5-21-07
The following is something from my very soul...... words do it no justice. What I'm trying to pour out are sensations and feelings and energy and magic between two beings - thats like trying to explain what touching and electric fence feels like and being shocked - but loving it instead of being hurt by it...... It carries you to a state of bliss..... atleast for me thats the case..... I may be grandious and delusional - I know I'm tired and sleepy.... I can't speak for anyone else - these are just my feelings that I ponder - writing them makes it real for me because I don't want to forget - I can't..... and maybe it's theraputic for my neurosis' .... who knows.... but it's my account .... it was real to me....... and
for the person this is about - just relax ..... I just needed to get
it out.....
Fire
of My Heart
Tenderly
holding and kissing me - fanning the flame...
A
wild energy rising - no - not
this one can you tame...
.....Passion,
fire, pure hearts gorged...
Between
your heart and mine - new paths forged...
You
hold me so tight, never wanting to let go, pulling me onto you...
Not
close enough, pressing into me - our souls shine a golden hue....
My
teeth clenched as I'm panting, my hands you've grasped so tightly...
You
roaring through my soul, as our Light and Spirits float brightly...
Beyond
both souls the Light it travels...
Out
into the cosmos, yet never unravels.....
Past
the summit, still inside, just laying there....
......Still
as one ..... do we dare?
Your
heart and mine merged together - as one...
Twin
Flames were there - Spirit - it won...
God
- the passion, the fire, the Light between your being and mine...
You
know it.... It
was one of a kind....
For
me at least, it burns still...
What
the future will be...
Well
- we'll just have to wait and see...
Though
thankful to have experienced something as rare and magic...
Truly
a gift - even if sorta tragic....
MS
5-20-07
...
Still Here..
I'm
not gone - no I'm still here...
Waiting
- trying to listen for God in my ear...
No
body said though, that I'm not confused...
So
many different choices - I just don't want to lose...
A
sweet union of heart and soul ...
Because I
fell down the wrong rabbit hole...
Sometimes
I feel or think I'm doing what God wants me to do...
He's
led me to some scary new choices, more than a few...
Then
I think, I'm a fool...
I
need to pick up my toys and leave this play school...
Then
faith and surrender come to mind....
And
I feel so lost - out of kilter with time....
I
try real hard to let it all go...
...
Any expectation about you being my beau....
I
really don't understand ....
The
message written in sand...
Deep
in my heart - I know God will show me the plan...
Some
how he'll lead me to this man....
What that ultimately means - is anyones guess...
Just
know I won't settle for anything less...
Than
something real and righteous
No
more ' hope I get it right' rolls of the dice...
Somewhere
– out there - is someone that was made to love me...
He
- he is my key...
....My
partner, my mate, my friend, my lover...
The
world awaiting for us to discover...
Is
he you?
...
I'm sorry...
I
can't seem to get you out of my heart or soul...
...
The feelings I had there in your hold...
I'm
trying 'cause I'm alone here I fear...
...
Not your cup of tea - my heart dear....
It
would be so much easier if what happen - hadn't...
Two
hearts colliding with real love - I thought they were laden...
Your
patience I ask...
For
this is no easy task...
But
I know in time it'll be okay...
MS
5-20-07
The
Market
The
air was crisp and heavy in the frostiness of an early morn as
the
sun just rose above the hills. Warm and cozy, wrapped in
my
periwinkle
blue wool cape, I made my way through the gathering
crowd,
searching for the best the market had to offer for m' Lady.
Across
a table of fresh fall apples and by the path beside an old
woman
selling hot fresh cider there he stood. Tall, with his weight
on
one foot, his sword by his side, a dark blue shirt with a riveted
brown
leather over vest, leather arm braces, waves of dark brown
hair
that hung ever so slightly across his face that lead to the bluest
eyes
I'd ever seen. Eyes that at that moment met mine and locked
mesmerized
for what seemed like a life time.
Bumped
by a child running by, I suddenly realized my stare,
blushing
I turned quickly and began looking at potatoes offered by
a
young woman at the next stand. Hoping and praying with all my
heart
and might, that my excessive attention had gone unnoticed. I
moved
down another table, only to find myself face to face with
the
man that now made my knees weak, my stomach want to
crawl
up my throat and my voice leave my body. Attempting to
shore
up what dignity I had left, I stood as tall as my 5' 7" frame
could
stand next to the man at least a foot higher than my
shoulders.
I
met his gaze now with a different agenda, but knew with all of
my being that I was as transparent as glass to the man before me.
Still, a deep breath I did take and proceeded to pass with a slight
tip
of my head as an appropriate acknowledgment of
place. Making
my
way half around him, beginning to think I had succeeded in
saving
face, I heard a deep, loud "good day m' Lady" bellowed to
me
with a slightly sarcastic bite to it! My eyes closed and rolled
back
in my head, I bite my lip, my face and neck flushed red as I
turned to him dipped my head a little lower and replyed as
gracefully
as I could muster "good day Sir". Hoping, yet again this
would
be the end of it, I moved to go around again, only to be
blocked
with his person! "Sir....... y e s?" I squeaked,
looking at
him
with a bewildering puzzled look, he again in a loud, deep,
bellow
asked me, "and just what would such a fine Lady of the
Court being doin' at the market so early and on such a snappish
cool morn'?" Making fun of me out right now, knowing full well I
was
not a Lady of the Court, but my
mistress was, and drawing
the
attention of everyone near, waiting they were to see now, what
my
reply would be to this now arrogant man. I was red yet again,
but
this time not from a look held too long.
Feeling
the heat of anger move from my bosom up my neck and to
the
very top of my head, I turned to meet him head on. Proud of
himself,
taking obvious delight of my current state, knowing that
as
angry as I was, I could not in keeping with my place rail into
him
the way a common woman could or like I wanted to at that
moment,
there he stood - all squared up and awaiting my reply. A
wickedly
delicious smile crept across my face as I looked him
straight
in the eye and replied, "Why, Sir, how kind of you to ask
this
Lady of her duties and motive." "Perhaps, in service to
our
Lady
you'd like to follow and carry my things for me as I continue
my bidding for m' Lady?" His eyes narrowed as he began to slyly
grin, realizing he had been engaged in game now by this woman
who was every bit his match. "I would be most happy to help you
m'Lady, but think I'll take pass on helping your Lady".
After an
awkward pause he shyly asked "Would m'Lady like a cup of hot
cider?"
. "Thank you Sir, but my bidding is done and I am already
late
returning from my errands. Perhaps, I could do so at another
time?
" She managed to say, knowing when she said it that she
wouldn't
be allowed to keep company with anyone unless they
were
of the court. Saddened by this thought, she turns to depart.
Catching
his eyes once more upon her, she allows him this time to
delve
a little deeper into her being with his gaze before she looks
away.
Still protecting part of herself from him, she manages to
smile
weakly and leaves. Suddenly, understanding the finer
complications
of their situation, he too is saddened. As she leaves,
he quipped "m'Lady should take the evening air sometime down by
the spring." Smiling, she turns and gently says "m'Lady will keep
that in mind."
Days
passed with him on her mind. Finally, she had the
opportunity
to take leave from her duties for a bit one evening. Of
course,
the destination was the springs. The springs were a little
place
that was kept and tended by the monks. They used the clean,
fresh
water from the springs to make the most delicious brandy of
figs
and apples. Known for its medicinal purposes and its
smoothness,
it was always hard to come by. I suspect it was
consumed
for other reasons than just those of medicinal needs.
The evening came early now, and the coolness was a constant
companion
of the day, turning sharper as the day waned and night
began
to bloom. Not quite sure why she was there or what if
anything
would become of her visit, she found a serene spot next
to
the water beside a huge rock, which was warm to the touch
from
the sun's light. As she settled down, relaxing against the
warmth
of the stone and letting her eyes close, she felt him gently
touch
her hand. Leaving her eyes closed, she felt him lift her hand
to
his lips and gently kiss it. Almost, afraid to open her eyes for
fear
that it was a dream, she slowly peeped now to see him before
her.
The man that caught her staring a bit too long.
Free
now to explore their souls, he leaned in and embraced her
tenderly
at first, then more passionately. The safety and comfort
that
they both found with each other was a blessing to them both.
She
had a way of knowing just what to say, how to kiss his lips or
to lightly caress his chest that soothed and calmed him. He had a
way
of kissing her, holding her encircled in his arms and stroking
her auburn tresses that soothed and calmed her. With her secret
lover,
she was happy. They spent that life together - yet apart,
never
able to make it beyond the edge of secret.
A
love remembered fondly now, a comforting friend to my soul. Kindred
spirits never forgotten - loves and lives woven through time.
My existence has been enriched
for knowing you my gentle, sweet soul – God bless you. My heart
always remembers.
MS
5-16-07
Missing
My Mom - What Do I Do?
I
don't know – know what to do....
I'm
not use to you like this – I wonder who...
To
be, and what to do, what to say, what to feel....
All
over the map, my emotions they reel...
Dozing
in and out of worlds far and near...
Not
aware yet, that I am here....
Daddy's
here, so is Sue and Sis....
You
are not alone, I'm sure of this...
I
feel in most ways you have already taken leave....
I don't know the you, the you there in your slumbered reprieve....
My
Mom is out harrowing her garden land...
With
her old shirt, big hat and worn gloves on hand...
She's
deciding what rows to plant in tomatoes.
Where
to put the corn, peas and how many rows of potatoes.
She's bush hogging with her kubota on the Hill...
Picking
blackberries to can – to many to eat once you get your fill!!!
She's
raising chicks in the living room – you bet !
Still
too chilly and they 're too little to put out just yet...
My
Momma – I miss you, I have for awhile now....
I
wished so many times I could talk to you and ask how...
...'bout
this or that or t'other....
What
to do when you're heart's been broken asunder....
What
to do when you're worn and tired from the fight...
When
you feel you have been abandoned in the night.....
When
I miss you – so many things I miss...
Being
held by Momma – to my forehead a kiss...
Being
held and unconditionally loved,
rocked and petted....
Assured everything would
be ok – why are you fretted?
Showing
you my baby one for the first time....
Hearing
you tell him his first nursery rhyme....
These
are just drops in the bucket...
To
how rich you've made my life – who'd a thunk it?
In
your 40's, having a baby girl ....
Back
then, not everyone would have given it a whirl...
So
many memories clash with the now...
Looking
at you, I can't help but wonder how...
You've
come to be this being I don't know...
Yes,
the last few years, I've been scarce – it's my whoa.....
But
it was needed for you to see your son shine....
How
wonderful he is and most kind....
To
strengthen that bond...
For
you and he to again grow fond....
Perhaps
on the verge of your next quest....
Your
wings you are ready to test...
Just
know that you are loved...
Your
gentle soul, kind as a dove....
Fly
away my sweet love...
When
ever you are ready – soar high above....
Till
your garden, ride your tractor, mow your yard...
Always
be that fabulous Wild Card...
You
have always been...
Miss
Marguerite – I'm glad we're kin!!!
I
Love You – Min
for
my Mom 5-15-07
May
15, 2007
different
kinda blog this morning - a love spell ramble
Picking
flower blossoms and placing them in a bowl... she says
".......And
he'll have one green eye and one blue..."
"What
are you doing?" her sister asks. "summoning up a true
love
spell" she answers.
"He
can hear my call a mile away.......
...................He'll
whistle my favorite song......
Ride
a pony backwards.........
....................Flip
pancakes in the air......
Be marvelously kind.........
...............His
favorite shape will be a star..."
"I
thought you didn't want to fall in love?"
"Thats
the point – the guy I dreamed up doesn't exist and
if
he doesn't exist – I'll never die of a broken heart"
I
smile when I type this – it's from one of my favorite movies.
Do
you know which one? You get to buy my something
from Starbuck's if you get the answer right!! lol
many
things run through my mind this morn.... thoughts and
memories
of old loves and lovers..... hopes and dreams
of
new loves and lovers...... that place in between....
wondering
what will be..... God knows.... i don't -
what
to wish for, hope for, dream about..... the wiser i
become
the the more i realize - i know nothing.... and
understand
even less.... where is the man that i can
love
with all my heart and soul, where is the man
that
can hold my fire and not shrink back from
the
sheer energy of our union, where is he that will
bring
me flowers – just because, or chicken soup
when
i'm sick, who has me covered in God's love and
power,
who fills me with love, whom i give it back
10
fold to, where is the man that knows i'm not 'barbie' and
loves
me anyway,
who
can hold me and let me cry - cry all the pain inside - out - the
pain
that i hide away ...... and show me everything
is
gonna be fine, who won't run away when the going
gets
tough, where is the man that makes me tingle
when
i just hear his voice, or quiver at his kiss, where
is
MY safe place? ..... i don't know – but God does.... it's
been
the hardest thing for me to surrender to.... and i
still
don't know if what i'm doing is the right thing or not.....
am
i surrendered o r just spinning my wheels??? you guessed it
......
i don't know........ i try to stay open in my heart.... it's
difficult
at
times.... i just want to hang out a sign that says "go away
–nobody's
home"
..... and i need to stay away from rugs..... about the
time
i relax into what, i'm sure love is – yep – you guessed it
again.....
slam,
there goes that fricking rug snatcher.... AGAIN!!! ..... anyway
thanks
for the indulgence of my wandering, romantic, sad, poor me,
rambles....
I
have 2 stories that i'm currently working on – one short,
which
i should have here in a day or so and a much longer on that maybe
a
while..... also, a poem about me missing my Mom – the way she use
to be.......
these
will be my normal style – if you would indeed call it
normal.......
thanks - redowl
5-15-07
This is for a dear friend that has been very kind to me in the past, been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on or just to be held - and asked for nothing in return...... His Love is soon to come and I am happy for him.... he deserves the very best, and I wish him nothing but happiness and bliss!!!
My
Sweet Dragon
The tenderness in your heart and
soul...
A sweet surprise there waiting to unfold...
For
the right maiden, you will surely woo -
When the time comes
you'll know just who...
Until then, don't give up or
lose hope...
You are finding your stride - an easy
lope...
I'm honored to have been able -
To
taste the sweet nectar from your table...
You are so
easy, giving, loving and gentle...
A fire in your lover's
heart - you kindle...
Taking your lover into your sweet
hold -
Caressing and kissing her ... parting the
fold...
Just to be entwined in your loving, sweet
arms...
For even a bit - feeling safe from any
harm...
Your tenderness and loving caress melt...
The
hurt my heart has lately felt...
My sweet, sweet dragon
- know this!
Your loving touch, your comforting arms - will
surely be missed!
And yes I believe that fairy tales do
come true...
You'll find your twin flame - as stars shine in
a dark night blue.....
My beloved dragon this is for
YOU..... and you know from just who....
One who believes in
fairy tales too.... lives spent together when we both knew...
The
magic held in early morn dew.... loves gentle whispers way too
few....
-The Lady you harassed to your delight, that
stared at you too long in a market of old – m' Lord.....
MS for
GS
2/07 written
5-10-07
The
Secret Falcon
The
Secret Falcon
I
see you – seeing me...
Puffy
and sleepy as you stick yo' head out – to be...
Before
the dawn cracks the ebony sky...
From
your pipe in the cement rock – why?
High
above the chain link and razor wire...
You
flee your perch – take to the wind – burning with a fire...
On
wings of velvet – swift – silent and sure...
Missed
– if I blinked my eyes – you so pure...
Above
- free to fly and soar in the sky ...
Below
– so many buried alive, 'neath concrete and wire – some - they
die....
Such
freedom seen here – ironic...
In
a place where some imprisoned – surely – demonic...
Of
hope, even here - rising above...
Little
wings, lift my spirit – now with love....
A
gentle smile, kisses my mouth wide....
A
warm happiness fills inside....
Grateful
to glimpse a tiny bit of God's work...
You
never know, from what shadows it can lurk ......
MS
5-3-07
Tom
Joad
You
are alone, you'll only let me so near
I
worry about you, shed a few tears...
Content
to come and be held in the night
Of
the nether world, your chosen plight...
I
know you saw me there, charmed
An
orb of light, imbued with love, meaning no harm...
You
know I have what you want and need
Honest
healing love, my words, these, please heed...
Your
head on my breast, to my heart, your ear
Some
comfort you find, with me, when I am near...
Yet
never face to face, only ethereal
One
day, no longer afraid, you'll make it real...
Until
then it's okay
Go
your own way...
I'm
sure you will always know where I land
My
gentle soul, and not just because you can...
Be
safe, no worries, be loved
Be
safe, no worries, be loved
Be
safe, no worries, be loved...
MS
4-14-07
Me...
I
slip into your soul
Filling
with Gods light the black holes...
My
gift from Above - is healing -
Bodies,
hearts, minds and spirits - out of touch with their feelings...
Lost
ones that strayed off into the night
Gently
I try to lead them back into the light...
Hearts
broken, spirits torn -
I
understand, been there too, tired and worn...
Walls
built thick 'n high, I melt through
Holding
- and just loving you...
God
overflows my heart with love
It
surrounds you, as meek as a dove...
A
safe place, just for you to be
Till
you find your own magic key...
That
releases the bonds of your own making
Yes,
it's always there, yours for the taking...
It's
a cosmic moment in time, when you realize you are not alone
You
are loved, you are worthy - know this … deep in your bones!!!
MS
4-14-07
Trains
of the Night
Under
the star's and moon's luminous light
The
trains rumble and bustle all night...
Wild
kitty cats dart across the tracks
Hobo's headed to their shanty town, hurry back...
Twin steel paths they follow
From
town to town, all through the hollows...
Little
houses, trailers and crates to big city buildings, they quake
Trains
rushing by, leaving them in their wake...
Me
- I sat here, smoking a clove
As
the concrete shakes under my toes...
Not
seen, only heard
The
train, it doesn't need any words....
It
does its thing - while most of you sleep
Behind
the razor wire - a sentry I keep....
In
the distance a train whistle I hear
Two
longs, a short and a long - an intersection near...
Listening
to trains, an easy peace, a gentle smile....
Remembering
for just a little while....
MS
4-13-07
Your
Gift to Me
How
sweet and easy the fire for Christ burns in you -
God
smiling, He knew….
Your
soul's gentle warmth melted away the hardness of my heart -
You,
Love - did your part….
It
happen so quietly, guided by God's hand
Yes
it's true - I finally did take a stand…
Teetering
on the edge, unable to surrender completely
Patiently
knowing - you, held me – so sweetly…
Tears
cried, heart broken, you listened and heard my plea…
You've
given some comfort, some peace, some scared space… to me
These
words to paper are simple and meek –
Compared
to the feelings that I try to speak…
The
feelings want to escape and be told –
Sparked
by the fire for Christ you carry in your soul…
I
am humble and in awe of His grace and beauty
Guided
by you – you did your duty….
My
simple words could never convey –
The
joy and hope – through you - He has given me this day…
Thank
you so much
It's
because of your gentle touch…
My
heart is whole
And
I'm back in God's fold!!!
M.S.
For
J. 4-9-07
A
New Dawning
So
many thoughts run through
So
many new feelings come too...
I
see the world with my little view
I try hard to surrender, try to take God's que...
Opening
up my heart - I just pray
Listening
to God - allowing Him to show me my way...
Easier
said than done -
Acting
out of fear sometimes, fearing the darkness won...
Storms
come and storms go
Stronger
- they cause you to grow...
I
believe I have a gift God wants me to find -
I
believe my Light He wants it to shine...
Working
on clearing the darkness out - putting it behind
So
His Light and Love you can see it shine!!!
So
many times I've felt broken and weak
Always,
always He helped me back to my feet....
Now,
a new light has shined on my life
Like
a guiding star out of the strife...
Leading
me humbly to be in His grace
My
heart, my mind, my soul - excited they race!
Thanks
for helping show me the way -
I
hope it works out that you stay...
My
future I rush sometimes to envelope -
Right
now, I'm just trying to let it develop
Whatever
it will be -
M.S.
4-3-07
Struggles
of My Soul
Clearing
the way letting my light in
I
feel like I can finally win
As
the fog is lifting inside my soul
Clutter
and ragged most of my life - full of rabbit holes...
Fallen
into, climbed out of, I'm late, I'm late
Killing
you over and over - I've been so full of hate...
Never
understanding myself and the unhappiness I chose
It's time for me to be a beautiful rose!
I
finally get it, I finally understand
My
innocence taken - it was out of my hands...
For
woven through my mind - the string
That
some how it was of my own bringing...
Poisoned
by that idea - were my very own feelings of self-worth
Struggling
to be happy and free, I am enjoying my re-birth...
I
realize now it was you - so hurt, so wounded, so sick -
I've
tried hard to forgive you for the hurt you did inflict....
That
Mother's Day at church - I did forgive...
Though,
I've had to wrestle with what in my mind still lives...
Turning
some Cosmic corner, with God's grace, it has eased
I'm
centered and grounded - my soul appeased...
I've
embraced it, kissed it and I am letting it go
Thank
you for the lesson - it was a tough row to hoe....
MS
3-28-
07
Innocence
Lost
Innocence,
young, pretty - a sweet little flower
In
a place that should have been her safe tower
Her
innocence taken, not by a stranger
She
never knew the danger
Out
of her body she flew -
To
escape the trauma she knew
She
learned how to fly up to the sky
Though
she could never understand just why...
Someone
would take her heart and just break it
Spirit
torn - she just learned to fake it
She
spent her life feeling like crying
But
she would just smile and tell herself to keep trying
Never
feeling her heart whole
She
searched for it in other souls
First
in one man, then another, and another
Never
understanding, it was something quite other...
Her
innocence is there for her to recover
All
she has to do is discover
That
part of her spirit that she hid
Back
when she was just a kid...
Of
her heart - well she just locked that away
With
a magic key she tossed away
For
so long lost and broken, in this world floating
Now,
ready to mend, ready to heal, she keeps hoping
She
searched and searched for the key
This
magic key that unlocks her heart and sets her spirit free
Finally
found this key
All
along it's been Christ waiting patiently...
For
Me to reach out and truly let him in
The
wounds and hurts of my soul - now they can finally mend
I
say my prayers, I give my thanks, I am truly blessed
No
longer burdened with this mess!!
M.S.
3-28-07 and 4-07-07
The
Fire
The
fire is such a great comfort. I sit here and stare into it… I
listen to spitting and popping of half dry wood and wonder what it's
telling me that I don't know how to hear. I wonder about life and
the made people. I wonder how many of us there are and where we were
made…. Do they enjoy the fire as much as I do?
I
listen to my mother in the next room, ask an old memory where the
baby is, that's now my grown son. No answer, at least none that I
heard.
I
hear just the hum of the refrigerator and the gentle hiss now of the
fire. I've got to move my leg suddenly – I feel the dry burn from
the dark red embers and fleeting blue flames of the satiating fire
I'm so in love with. It gives my soul peace. My amusing companion.
The blue tongues of fire lick the air and edge of the wood. A faint
smell of smoke mellows the room, adding to the enveloping comfort
afforded by the fire.
"I know they are somewhere" my mother says to the memory, "they're up to somethin', I know they are, the rascals."
The
fire picks up, yellow and orange dart the cinders, burning with a
burst of urgency that collapses back into a mellow lope.
"Did
you hear the little piece of glass?"
A
cinder broke, a log fell, bright yellow the flames reach out to be
heard, like an excited child.
"Come on lil' girl, climb in and get warm – it's cold as ice. I tried to find the warming iron, but I couldn't find it."..... "Hey there – stay here Momma – do you hear her?"...... "What was it a bird? – might'ah been." ......"Come on lil' girl cuddle up and get warm."..... "I fed 'um some pudding." ......."Oh! I have to get on the bus before ya'll do!" ......."Momma – there's somebody on the porch….."
Silence……. Except for the hissing of the fire and the tick, tock of the wall clock.
"Ok,
curl up. Go to sleep."
The yellow flame dances close and low on the red embers. Smoke slips out the end….. Ouch! My foots asleep and tingling awake!! The side of my leg crimson from the fire. S l o w l y, s l o w l y – ok - whewwww it's waking up.
The
fire bids an old friend good night. Somewhere in the pops and hisses
a gentle"no worries" is whistled. "No worries, all is
as it should be – relax."
My mind drifts back to the made people. The orange cinders glow and sooths me once again. " No worries hiss the fire, no worries………."
My
mom now quiet and asleep, the fire slowly burning, I turn in
- remembering the message and trying to except it - I
sleep.
M.S.
February
2007
Letting Go ….. Endings and New Beginnings
I'm
letting go of my past illusions of loves, friends and heart aches
They
were but shared delusions – so many fakes…..
I'm
letting go of my darkest night -
To
embrace my brightest light….
The
dawn's sun is quickly rising –
My
new life - just on the horizon....
I'm
sad at the loss of my past -
But
I must release it fast!
To
be able to grasp my future, hold and anchor it in the now –
For
so long I've wondered just how….
Now
on this narrow edge between here and there, I see -
It's
eased away quietly - as time was the key….
It's
unlocked the chains I willingly wore -
Allowing
myself to be some energy whore….
And
just that simple I know it's time –
I've
danced the dance and spoken the dark's last rhyme….
The
sweet goodbyes -
The
tears in my eyes….
The
fleeting ache in my heart -
As
the tide continues to move us a part…
Bitter
sweet memories – my past -
My
future bright and loving has already been cast!!!
I'm
excited and at peace –
My
new life's lease!
A
quiet knowing that, all is well -
Deep
in my bones that feeling it swells.
As
the light comes with the dawn –
So
it brings my truest love from yon……
A
love so true and right –
I
will no longer be a creature of the night….
I smile to myself feeling the warmth of light and love
Overflowing
my heart from God above!!!
I
am happy at last and gently flowing -
As
I float in it's peaceful knowing….
Smiling
– I AM HAPPY…..
m.s.
3-4-07
Birds
of a feather flock together
or
do they?
I'm alone, I don't see you, I sense you here - you are here now - but you couldn't be further from me it seems....
Are you of the Light or of the Dark? (Both - OK, I know....)
I know the shadows and the Nether World, but I am Light, of good and pure heart...
Have you seen my Light in the World of the Shadows and become enchanted or curious - how did you find me?
You of all know my
intentions are honest and right, I mean no harm - only Love and
Light....
Yes, I know I have a shadow side - I embrace
it for what it is and love it - It serves me well in
battle.....
However, make no mistake where my trueness
shines, for my Light is bright and strong.....
I refuse
to turn and embrace the Dark....
So, if you want to share your Light (yes YOU have quite a strong Light) and your Shadow with me - my Light and my Shadow- it must be REAL and sown in the Light to grow with the warmth of the Suns Love......
If the Light is not for you - then understand my sadness, my heart still loves you, but different paths we have chosen....
Perhaps our paths will cross from time to time and we can share a sweet glance or a knowing smile....
Be safe .....
What
the damn does not hold, will flow over it...... It is as it should
be....
- a bird of the night ..>
ms
2/07
A
DEAL STRUCK
She
vaguely remembered hearing their boots coming down the steps as the
ship swayed back and forth in the water. As the door opened, her eyes suddenly stung from the sunlight now burning across her face. She remembers a silhouette then blackness as suddenly as the light that stung. The man that now cast the shadow across her limp body, hanging from leather strapped wrists quickly barked to cut her down. He had, upon seeing her eyes– knew it was her and no price was too much to reunite him with his soul's mate.That
man, then tossed a heavy leather pouch of the finest Spanish
gold to the rogue Captain, as he said, "She's mine". One of the ships crew cut her down, the grungy redhead
slide to the deck, dirty and smudged with dirt and filth from weeks
of confinement.Her
new owner picked her up in his arms, arms that looked like tree
limbs – she only made
the slightest whimper. Burning up with fever, she wilted into his
arms – He was angry,
now to realize how she had been neglected, he stormed away with her,
to his ship anchored
in the port's harbor nearby. Once
aboard, he carried her to his quarters. She smelled as horrid as any
of his own crew.
Laying her on his bed, he ordered one of his crew to bring some hot
water and soap. She
was dressed only in white cotton pantaloons and what was left of a
white cotton chemise.
Roughly he cut these from her body, throwing them in a pile to be
burned. Out of
his jacket now and rolling his sleeves up, he prepared to clean her
up. Aware that his men
were still there gawking, he ordered them to leave, cursing them for
still being in his quarters.
Still hot with a fever and poor from very little food, she simply
laid there, unconscious
and still. Though
dirty, he couldn't help but look at her naked beauty as she lay
before him. He didn't
know quite where to begin, it was not like he had ever done this
before. He trembled
as he took the cloth and started to wash the filth away. Her tiny
foot fit completely
in the palm of his hand. He quickly bathed her as though she was
some way- ward half grown dog; she was clean, but still feverish and unconscious. The man covered her
with blankets, gathered the items and left, locking the door behind
him as he left. Returning
to his cabin after supper he quietly peeped in, then walked in. No,
she wasn't awake
yet. By the light of his lamp, he muddled around a bit, then
undressed and carefully slipped
into his bed with her. That night many things were taken and many
things happened
- they will remain unwritten and therefore unspoken, as such things
often are, but
they did happen....... Yet
to wake still, he leaves her at sunrise to take care of the ships
business. By lunch he's
back, with proper lady's cloths for her. Several dresses, one, a
beautiful emerald green
dress, new under things, stockings, and shoes. He lays the cloths
down, leaves some food
and wine, as he departs again for his afternoon appointments in
port. She
barely opens her eyes, they seem heavy, under some power other than
her own. Gradually,
she manages to fully open them and sit up. Where the hell was she?
She remembers
naught, just the shadow between her and the sun before
she collapsed. Pulling the
covers up to her breast, she surveys her new surroundings. Sitting
on a huge bed, she realizes
she's in the cabin of a ship. It's dark, musky with the smell of a
slight sweetness in the air. Confused and frightened she gets up. Hesitate at first, she spys the food and without
further thought to the other circumstances, she greedily devours all
the food and 2 glasses
of wine. Slightly nauseous now, from having eaten so much, so
fast, her thoughts race - she's naked – clothes – she found the cloths and hurried to dress herself. Feeling less naked, she explores the cabin, finding the belongings of a man. His clothes with the smell of him still lingering, his liquor, his tools of trade and other various trinkets. Who is this
creature, this man, that has brought her here, brought her clothes
and food?
A
rush of heat moves through her, burning her from the inside out.
She's angry – mad as hell
– at the same time saddened.
Memories of her departure from
France, leaving boarding
school, being chaperoned back to her fathers plantation in the
islands by her brother – all that comes whirling back to her mind. Tears well in her eyes.... her brother – now
dead because of the pirates that boarded, looted and murdered as
they went. Only the women
were spared, held as captives, then taken away at random... or so it seemed,
she wasn't sure, sure of anything - except – the cold burn she
felt lodged in her chest
as madness and grief. She screamed and screamed and screamed.
She began to throw
whatever she touched – the dishes from lunch, the contents of a
table and a shelf,
simply
whatever was in her reach was hurled at a wall or window.
Having gotten the attention
or every man and creature in ear shot, she stops as she sees the
door crack open. In
a moment that lasts for what seems like hours, their eyes meet, she
can now see the man
that has her here –on this boat and locked in this room. His
figure over fills the door, his
eyes attempt a smile, but are more riddled with fear than he would
ever admit. Mesmerized
at the depth and sad emptiness, she feels as though she already
knows this man.
Confused with herself, she grabs the first thing she can – a
dinner knife and brazenly holds it out in front of this giant of a man now before her. Cursing him first in Frenchthen English and back to French, her eyes wide open, her nose flared, her pouty lips
pursed tight, her flaming auburn red hair loose down her back, her
chest heaving in
anger,
she lunges at him! Startled by her quick boldness and amused in
the same moment, he
steps back toward the door as he begins to speak very low and
quietly to her. He latches
the door, just as she lunges at him again. This time her grabs
her wrist, careful to avoid
the sharpness of the knife, he pulls her to him, wrapping his huge
arms completely around her. She screams, tries to bite, to spit, to kick – anything she can – to no avail. He has her and she can't break free. He just holds on to her as she tires of struggling, he whispers
to her, "It's alright, it's alright, I won't hurt you"
over and over till her curses have
turned to tears and whimpers. He holds her cheek now, gently looking
into her soul,
tearsfill his eyes – doesn't she know who I am? His gaze is met by her and slowly she relaxes. Moments pass into minutes, minutes pass into hours, hours into days, days into weeks....... she was eventually gentled to him or perhaps him to her, at any rate, she stayed
with him. Although, in the early days she did attempt to run.......
more than once. She realized eventually that only got her months of being tethered to him at night and
under lock and key during the day. Gradually, she surrendered
to him. He would later take
her to port with him and allowed her most of her freedom. She loved
him, remembered their connection and questioned it never. Almost never....... only once did she
waiver. While
in port for the evening to feast with his friends, a very good
friend, a young sailor
that
knew her master very well, met her eyes and held the glance too long
to be proper. She
turned away, but inside her heart, he stirred something that made
her tremble. Perhaps
it was, the way he looked at her, what his eyes said that his voice
never could, but
she knew it and understood it. She never told the young man of the
feelings that moved
inside her heart that night – she wished she had told him –
given the chance to tell him
– she would have – she'd make sure that he knew she loved him.
Just for him to know
that he was loved. The young man, well, he saw something in her
eyes, something he
had never seen before, something that was given to him freely, just
for the sake of sharing.
What he saw was love........ innocent and real. He went so far as to
secure a lock of her hair from the woman that trimmed it – it was a little bit of her, he reasoned and
what was wrong with that. He carried it with him always, in and embroidered handkerchief that
was hers, one he had borrowed one evening, to cover a cut that
seemed mysteriously to
have appeared. The
pirate and the lady left port shortly thereafter, never to return.
Their ship was boarded
by rogue pirates. Her lover, her protector was killed right in front
of her eyes. As
the
rogues came towards her - she felt her soul leave her body as her
love bled out before
her. In her emerald green dress, with her long auburn red hair
lifted in the breeze – she
jumped, jumped to the sea – jumped to her death. She'd never let
another man take her
flesh nor tarnish her for the man she loved with all her heart and
soul. Several
months pasted before the young man heard of his friends and the
lady's fate. He was
angry – he had begged his friend not to take her this time. He
told him that their planned
route was dangerous now with cut throats and rogues. Perhaps if he
had attempted
to tell her of his love, who knows, but he couldn't have done that
to his friend or put her in a compromising position. It didn't matter, she was dead now. The young sailor numbed himself with rum and women, he gave up and blamed himself. But there was nothing he could have done to save her, she knew the dangers and followed fate.
The
sailors say she became a mermaid and now looks after sailors who
have lost their way,
loving them, comforting them, and offering them hope. No one knows
for sure, perhaps that love she carried for these men inside her soul still exists. I believe love does not
die, with the changing of our outer garments, but lives on in
the memories of our
heart, nestled
quietly in our soul.
MS –
January 2007
To Sir from a Princess
Once upon a time
You had me ..... I didn't have you
Many times we were us
But not in the real world
You were lost..... and I helped you find yourself
Over you? .... I can't yet see that far...
But I will.... and You will
I have spectacles.... called Hope
For us both.... We always have them....
We have our souls.... that never forget each other...
Though our hearts ....did,do,and will love .....
Each other .... And new Loves
ALL IS and will be as it should....
I think perhaps ...you are now teaching yourself ....patience
A Lady Fair
m.s.12/06
This is one of my favorite short stories ...even, to this day 9-20-13
STARMAN
He
was almost dead when the trappers brought him to her. They had found
him early one morning as they were passing through to check their
traps. It was a cool morning, cool enough to see your breath.
Probably why he was still alive. The trappers knew his only hope was
to take him to an old Indian woman, they called Lil'Ma, as soon
as possible.
Lil'Ma was
expecting something she just didn't know what. When she heard the
trappers coming into camp she knew. "Who do you have for me?"
she asked. "Lil'Ma – we've got a boy, we don't know who, but
he's about dead." "Fetch him in here," she pointed to
her lodge. The trappers, complied with her orders. They knew the
medicine woman had already decided what she needed to do.
There was already a fire going in her lodge, as the trappers took the young man with the boyish face from aback the horse and placed him onto her bed of pine needles, moss and bear skins. She quickly set about throwing more wood on the fire and flinging dried herbs in to a stewing pot. She asked the trappers for tobacco, fresh whiskey, and pig grease when they could bring it to her, then she disappeared inside her lodge.
The trappers departed and Lil'Ma quickly began to tend to the young man. He was bloody from head to toe. He looked as though he had been cut many times – not shot. Only one arrow and that was broken off in his shoulder. Hadn't been scalped. Before anything else she had to get him warm. She took what she could of his clothes off and cut the rest. She slipped out of her buckskins and laid next to him, underneath all the skins and one wool blanket she had. She smelled his blood. He was not frankly bleeding anywhere, but he was wet with it. Half on her side, half propped on a knee, she held him as closely as she could. His breath was weak and shallow, his mouth dry and cracked, his eyes yet to open.
Lil'Ma knew that to save him she would have to go where he was – on the way to the next world. She took deep breaths of the herbs that were now releasing their magic into the air of the lodge, she sank her spirit body down into his and followed his faint trail of light that wisped through the nether world. When she found him, he was startled at first. Lil'Ma loved him in that moment. She communicated without human words through her heart and spirit. She asked him why he wanted to leave, and if he would choose to stay. Somewhere in his heart, he had never known love in that life. He decided to stay – because she loved him – he had never felt that before. No particular reason – just hadn't. His spirit glowed a golden hue, his hearted swelled with emotions he never knew existed. He gasped sharply for air as she felt a crushing squeeze to her arm and stinging in her head. Pulling her from her journey, she found he had grabbed her arm and hair – ready to fight. As suddenly as he grabbed her, he let her go, collapsing back into a sea of oblivion. He was warm now – alive. The physical medicine work could now begin.
Slipping back into her skins, to fight the cold chill she now felt,she got busy - she had a lot of work to do. As she checked him thoroughly, she pulled the shaft from his shoulder that was left out and washed him with herbal water. Cleaned from the blood, she dried him and put salve in his wounds or poultices on to draw the impurities out of the deeper cuts and holes. After covering him with the skins and blanket, she left to gather more medicine in the woods.
Upon
her return, Lil'Ma looked through what was with him. She found
nothing but bloody clothes and something she was very fascinated
with – a six pointed star in a circle of dull gold metal. It had
white mans symbols on it - U.S. MARSHAL. She took the star,
cleaned it and put it with the medicine bag she had made for
him. She now had a name for this man – she'd call him
Starman.
The
nursing of his wounds took a good 2 weeks before he began to come
around. Daily, she washed his wounds, packed his cuts, spooned
broth and herbal medicine into his mouth, and slept with him to keep
him warm. When he could take a little more solid food, she chewed
jerky and roots for him. During this time he drifted in and out of
worlds, mumbling to himself.
He
came out of his dream time with a dull head for about a week. Star
didn't talk much to the medicine woman and at first only glared at
her as if unable to decide if he should kill her or be grateful. He
realized quick enough that he would be dead if not for her. He felt
more at ease when the trappers that brought him to her showed
up one day. Starman
told them what had happen the best he could remember it. His name
was William McKay, he was a US Marshal, passing through, getting
ready to camp for the night when he was attacked. The trappers told
him that it had been a Comanche War Party and not the local tribe,
and that the only reason he was alive was because of Lil'Ma's
medicine. Lil'Ma had left the men to talk men talk. She slipped outside to smoke - her pipe full of new tobacco, she sipped the fresh whiskey and gazed into her fire. The trappers had brought the things she had asked for, plus some treats. She traded with them for skins and town items in exchange for herbal tinctures and medicine work. She was known by Indian and white man alike for healing all creatures, human and non- human. She had worked many a horse that was down, hell that alone earned her great respect among the mountain men and trappers. After
the trappers left, Star seemed easy now. He understood fully for the
first time just how this medicine woman had helped him. Everything
came together, he remembered feelings shared between them and the
path of light she held to lead him from his darkness. He was
grateful. Its
not shared whether they stayed together always in sacred ways,
although, I believe so. Certainly its remembered that he was always
near and always hunted for her – she never went hungry or without
a couple of squirrels or a rabbit in her pot. Perhaps, something
magical was found...... and remembered..... and shared ..again......
M.S.
As
written 10-09-06.Remembered from events of December 17th, 2003.
